The Vines consists of one main island, with two smaller islands—​Anther and Stigma—​around it. The landmass is approximately round, with a total land area of 10,200 km² (3938 sq mi). Most of the country lies within the caldera of a dormant volcano, Mount Chastity.

The Vines has a mild and temperate maritime climate (Köppen: Cfb) with a mean annual temperature of 15 °C (59 °F). Precipitation is moderate, with Asterville receiving on average 960 millimeters (38 in) of rain per year.

The island’s high thaumatic radiation is responsible for the country’s unique species of animals, fungi, and plants. For example, the Vinyl breezie adopted a menstrual cycle to counter its reduced fertility. Other species, such as the plunderseed, feed on the radiation itself.

Today, 74 percent of the land is covered in forest, a figure that has remained unchanged since 1984. Modern techniques such as permaculture, plunderseed channeling, and thaumatic-nuclear fusion allow for a high standard of living with little impact on the environment. Most native species are protected by law; one exception is the parasprite, a once prominent species which was exterminated during the late 20th century.